Pete

How To Murder Your Wife?

Diablog readers may or may not be interested in the following:

I am about to murder my wife but can’t do it at the moment as she has left to go to work.

Things stated off badly today as she left the bathroom tap running by mistake causing a small but efficient tidal wave to hit the floor upstairs and then find its way through the lounge ceiling and walls.
Ok, so accidents happen, and I can redecorate when and if the sodden ceiling and walls have dried out.
However before she leaves she reminds me to rip up the stair carpet, paint the skirting boards etc so they are dry before the new carpet is fitted.
She helpfully goes to bring in the paint from the garage and then proceeds to drop the tin on the kitchen floor.
There is, as one can imagine paint everywhere, and by this time I am beginning to lose my normal calm imposition.

Water is flooding down the walls and ceiling, and the kitchen looks like the aftermath of a Paintball War.

I am not sure which disaster to attack first, and helpfully suggest she leaves the house NOW while it and she are still standing.
I may not in fact have used the words ‘leave now’, and it is possible I may have said something a little more Roman Saxon.
Having spent some hours cleaning up the carnage, I then attempted to pull up the heavy stair and landing carpet along with a mountain of crumbling old underlay, which has now lined the house with dust.

Sometimes the woman thinks I am Clarke Kent, although I may have miss spelt the surname…

Obviously she wants me to take carpet etc to the refuse tip.
I have now filled five sacks with with rotten underlay plus the old carpet which is heaped up in the back of my car.
I MUST NOT FORGET TO TAKE IT ALL TO THE DUMP, and whilst I am at it, I may just take my wife with me…….

5 thoughts on “How To Murder Your Wife?

  1. Please don’t kill Mrs Pete until she has made the Cheese and Branston sandwiches for the boat trip.

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