ER

Only in …

Dear Reader,

Since we are doing “Only in …” jokes, and Pete and Iren seem to agree, that people in the USA are particularly stupid, here are some answers given by British woman regarding paternity on forms of the Child Support Agency:

“..I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact the BMW dealers in the area to see if he’s had it replaced..”

“..I have never had sex with a man. I am waiting for a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was immaculate, and that he is Christ risen again..”

“..[XXX] is the father of child A. If you catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD’s?..”

“..I don’t know the name of my child’s father as all squaddies look the same to me, although I can confirm he was a Royal Green Jacket..”

“..I thought it was [XXX] because we definitely had sex at a time which fits with the birth of child A, but since discovering he is gay I am not so sure..”

“..Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [XXX]. I am unsure about child B but I believe he was conceived on the same night..”

“..It’s difficult to remember because I was drunk on holiday in Tenerife , which was months before I got properly pregnant..”

“..I do not know the name of my daughter’s father. She was conceived at a party on [date] at [venue] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good I fainted. If you manage to trace the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks..”

“..I remember buying the sperm at a boot market last spring but I never kept the documentation I’m afraid..”

“..I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was taken unexpectedly from behind while being sick out of an upper-storey window. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this might help..”

“..I cannot tell you the name of child A’s father as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover, and that this would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise..”

“..From the dates it seems my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom ..”

“..Regarding the identity of child A’s father, putting two and two together and considering the time of year, it must have been when Father Christmas came down the chimney..”

“..That night is a blur. The only thing I remember was watching a Delia Smith programme about eggs in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party, mine might have stayed unfertilised..”

“..He gave me a phone number which turned out to be one of his mates who said he’d been killed in a cement mixer accident. He was a builder and a bit stupid so I thought yes that sounds about right..”

And finally:

“..I do not know the identity of my baby’s father. After all, when you eat a tin of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart..”

Only in the UK.

Engine Room

PS: This is an internet classic