Save The Whale Or Else…

Apparently I am becoming a fat bastard and this needs addressing according to my current wife.
She remains unconvinced of my assertion that:
‘It is a scientific fact that the body will not absorb calories if you take it from another person’s plate’

Everyone else knows this to be true, but despite the above she feels I should lose some weight.


When I say ‘some’ I am apparently not talking about a few pounds, I am given to understand that we are talking at least fourteen pounds, or to all you Diablog foreigners out there, around 6 kilo.

This of course quite ridiculous and potential weight loss of this magnitude could well include doing a ‘Smiles’ and going to a gym at some ungodly hour of the morning.
This should be a time when most sensible men are lying in bed worrying about what has happened to their morning erections they used to wake up with.
However I digress, and perhaps that particular subject should be left to Glynsky and ER etc to discuss on another day.

So the boss has said I need to diet and for those of you who don’t know her, this is coming from a woman who says:
“chocolate is the answer to everything and doesn’t give a damn what the question is”.
How she remains relatively sylph-like is quite beyond me.
Meanwhile the need to exercise is urgent according to my doctor who thought I maybe 8 months pregnant when I last saw him.
So I have taken myself off to the boat this week with just me and my fitness instructor, Mrs Pete.

We are currently cruising along the grand union canal on our boat named Amelie. She is a Widebeam cruiser which according to my wife sounds remarkably like myself, which I find somewhat cruel and unfair.


The above photo of a Widebeam vessel gives you an idea of what she looks like.
She needs a crew of four people (the boat that is) to handle her safely through the many locks on the canal.
However we have undertaken this particular journey with just the two of us, so we are both working quite hard, putting it mildly.
Apparently if we carried on our journey for about three weeks I would lose all the weight required from the sheer exercise needed to keep the boat cruising and afloat.


The problem with the above regime is that I would also be pronounced slightly dead before we got there.
We are only three days into what is planned to be a one week trip and I am knackered and ache in places I didn’t know I had.

All this would be ok if I wasn’t doubling my alcohol intake when we moor up in the evening.
All this exercise is also giving me a healthy appetite so I am slightly concerned that I will actually manage to end up gaining weight despite all the physical activity during the daylight hours.

Naturally Glynsky has paid his part in my current downfall as he had entertained us as only he can on the Sunday before we set sail, to a stunning party of food and extreme alcohol poisoning.
Even the food cooked by the magnificent Mrs Glynskette was lethal.
The Jelly (Jell-o to some of you lot) consisted of a miniscule touch of fruit, mixed with a lethal amount of Pimms.
I had two or three portions of this seemingly innocuous dessert before realising I had just tripled my intake of calories and alcohol for at least a week.

We met up with the man himself on the boat after the party, when he turned up and put back the the boat’s chimney that had suffered from a slight accident a few weeks ago when he was last on board.
The chimney in question got into a violent confrontation with a bridge and came off slightly the worse for wear.

Glynsky has rebuilt the item and whilst fitting it, still found time to drink a bottle with me and lash up a TV Ariel, so I could watch what is happening in the ‘slimming channel’.

Glynsky’s new boat Ariel design

Meanwhile back on the canal, I will continue to open the locks, steer the boat, walk the plank etc, and as of tomorrow I will revise the diet.

From now on I will eat whatever I like but not swallow it. Yeh right…

Avast Behind as they say on the high seas or possibly in my case at Weight WatchersAvast Behind as they say on the high seas or possibly in my case at Weight Watchers

7 thoughts on “Save The Whale Or Else…

  1. Dear Pete
    Good luck and try the seafood diet. Basically, if you see food, don’t eat it.
    Now 6.00 am in Tashkent. Off to Fitness Centre,
    Some good signings last night.

  2. Dear Pete (again)
    There is only one Fat Bastard at this Diablog and that is the man who had to buy 2 season tickets for himself, in order that he could park his fat arse at the Emirates whilst watching his beloved Arsenal. Have increased size of table at WHL and ordered sofa in the aisle to accomodate him.

  3. Dear ER.
    That is actually quite funny but
    I happen to live with a vegetarian, and up to now have had no desire to devour her.
    Please forward any other ideas you may come up with.

  4. Dear Pete,

    Do I understand correctly, she eats all the health stuff, leaving you with all the tasty – I mean bad – food.
    So, in essence, you’re sacrificing yourself for her?

    That’s true love.


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